My quick rating - 5.1/10. Being a huge fan of the Impractical Jokers, seeing that James "Murr" Murray wrote the best-selling book Don't Move immediately grabbed my attention. Naturally, I was on board for the movie adaptation. Because if there's one thing I want from a horror movie, it's a giant prehistoric spider and the knowledge that one of the guys responsible for making Joe (yes, I remember you), Q, Sal, and Murr suffer is now branching out into making fictional characters suffer. Progress!
A church group's annual camping retreat turns deadly when they wander into the wrong part of the Ozark wilderness. Suspicion initially falls on Ricky (Russ), the group's resident troublemaker, but there's something much worse lurking in the forest. A monstrous prehistoric arachnid hunts by vibration, meaning every step could be someone's last. Suddenly, keeping still becomes a lot more important than remembering your morning devotionals.
The movie opens with cheerful music and a family enjoying a day at a local carnival, where Murr himself makes an appearance as a game operator. Dad and son head into a haunted house while Mom Megan (Lyndsy Fonseca) stays behind. Let's just say the ride ends up being considerably more brutal than your average carnival attraction. It's a mean-spirited opening that sets the stage for the events a year later, when Megan joins a church camping trip led by Pastor Rizzo (Tom Cavanagh), whom us fans remember from The Flash.
The group also gets a memorable driver in Rob Riggle, because apparently getting lost in the wilderness wasn't enough of a warning sign. After parking, the campers face a two-hour hike to Davies Canyon. You know, that sign you just passed. I'm no wilderness expert, but when a horror movie tells a group of people to walk deep into the woods, I generally recommend doing the exact opposite.
The cast does a perfectly respectable job, with no ridiculous overacting to distract from the story. The filmmakers also wisely hold back the creature for roughly an hour, building anticipation before unleashing their enormous, terrifying spider. Unfortunately, that patience comes at a cost. The first hour moves slowly, and there's only so much suspense you can squeeze out of people walking through trees.
Once the spider arrives, however, things pick up. It's ferocious, surprisingly quick, and cleverly filmed. Quick glimpses, creepy webs (clearly not practical, unfortunately), and those enormous legs do a lot of the work, helping disguise the budget while delivering a couple of decent scares.
Fans of the Jokers also get Brian Quinn popping up as a ranger. Sadly, Sal Vulcano sat this one out. Perhaps he read the script and decided the safest option was to stay home.
Ultimately, Don't Move is a fun, slightly undercooked creature feature. It could use more scares, better pacing, and maybe a bit less hiking, but it sure does provide ample entertainment with its giant spider. Keep in mind - if your next church retreat involves a suspiciously quiet forest, maybe pray from home.
https://jackmeat.com/dont-move-2026/
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