The Amityville Horror (1979) | A classic that's worth revisiting for its atmosphere, performances and place in horror history, just don't expect outright terror. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 6.5/10. After suffering through the last six absolutely abysmal Amityville movies, I figured I'd earned the right to finally go back and watch the original, The Amityville Horror. Somehow I'd never reviewed it either, so two birds, one haunted house.

It's also kind of fascinating to see if a movie that's nearly 50 years old can still get under your skin.

George Lutz (James Brolin) and Kathy Lutz (Margot Kidder) buy their dream home on Long Island despite one unfortunate selling point. The previous owners were all murdered there. Minor detail. They move in with Kathy's children, and before the boxes are even unpacked, Father Delaney (Rod Steiger) drops by to bless the house...only to get attacked by an army of flies and told to "Get Out." Buddy, he was literally trying to help.

From there, the film slowly counts down the nights as the supernatural activity ramps up. George gets grumpier by the day. Kathy starts digging into the house's history. Young Amy chats away with an invisible friend that's probably not imaginary. And everyone becomes increasingly isolated while the house does its best impression of the world's worst Airbnb.

Right from the opening credits, the eerie score does a great job of setting the mood. The camera lingers on the infamous house while lightning flashes to show the windows, and in the background, gunshots can be heard. You immediately know this place comes with more baggage than Spirit airlines.

One thing that still works is making the little things feel believable. Doors opening, strange noises, cold spots, swarms of flies. It's all fairly restrained, which actually works in its favour. Instead of throwing buckets of blood at the screen every ten minutes, it slowly chips away at the family's sanity

The performances are a bit of a mixed bag. Brolin and Kidder are both excellent and carry the film during the slow parts. Steiger, on the other hand, adopted an altogether different style and wastes his entire screen time overacting. The remaining actors are melodramatic to an extent, but that suits the period well.

I did enjoy each chapter being marked by another night passing until we make it to "The Last Night." It's about as subtle as plopping "Warning: Shit is about to get Real" on the screen. But it works. You know the house has finally stopped messing around.

The biggest surprise today is probably just how tame it all feels. Modern horror fans expecting walls dripping blood every five minutes or demons performing gymnastics on the ceiling will probably wonder what all the fuss was about. The finale is effective enough, since you do finally get the walls dripping blood. But still a bit tame.

I think The Amityville Horror works better as a character study than an outright horror film. Watching George get crazier by the moment was better than waiting for the next fright. What it lacks in gore and jump scares is made up for with strong performances, an unsettling atmosphere, and one of horror's more memorable musical scores.

If you haven't seen it since it first scared the life out of you in 1979, don't expect sleepless nights. Time has definitely dulled its bite. But it's still an important horror classic that helped set the standard for haunted house movies...and unfortunately also gave birth to cinema's most abused franchise names involving everything from dinosaurs to toilets.

The Amityville Horror (1979)

https://jackmeat.com/the-amityville-horror-1979/

Amityville Death Toilet (2023) | If your horror movie's best actor is the toilet, you may want to rethink a few casting decisions. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 1.4/10. I'll admit I picked this one for one reason. That title. Amityville Death Toilet is so incredibly stupid that curiosity got the better of me. At only 71 minutes, I figured even if it was terrible, it would be over before anger set in.

It starts exactly how I expected. A guy sitting on the toilet suffering through some truly awful gas before a cleaver suddenly swings out from inside the bowl and hacks him to pieces. The practical effects look like they came straight from the local Halloween shop, and before the opening credits the toilet has already expanded its arsenal to include a gun and even a plunger. I checked the runtime and realised I still had another 66 minutes of this.

Gregg G. Allin (Isaac Golub) plays a paranormal podcaster investigating the latest murders in Amityville. Thankfully, the movie at least makes it to Amityville, New York, giving it the bare minimum connection to the franchise. Unfortunately, they try passing off someone's ordinary suburban house as the famous Amityville home. Apparently, two windows next to each other is close enough.

The soundtrack constantly acts like something exciting is happening, blasting dramatic action music over random establishing shots. It reminded me a lot of Amityville Karen, where everyone seemed to be improvising dialogue instead of following a script. Gregg himself isn't much better, wandering around with what is supposed to be a healing crystal but looks more like one of those souvenir glass paperweights you'd buy at a truck stop. (No trailer online - check the entire movie below if you are mad at yourself)

Director Evan Jacobs casts himself as Sebastian, the house's caretaker, and the production only gets sillier from there. Plastic body parts bounce around the floor. Endless fart noises fill the soundtrack. Birds and fish suddenly appear thanks to bargain-bin visual effects. And the classic "pause the camera and move the actor" trick gets a serious workout. About the only joke that I actually laughed at was Gregg proudly announcing, "I'm up to 199 followers."

The finale somehow manages to become even more ridiculous than all the crap before it. I still have no idea what the guy in the monkey mask was doing, but by then I'd stopped looking for answers. Except, I wonder if they paid their kids to hold their palms to their faces and contribute to the sound mix with those farting noises.

There's a fine line between making a movie that's intentionally ridiculous and one that's simply incompetent. Amityville Death Toilet occasionally stumbles into "so bad it's funny" territory, but almost all the laughs come from laughing AT the movie rather than WITH it. Trust me, there are far better horror-comedy options to stream. If you're looking to watch a killer toilet wave around weapons for just over an hour, then congratulations, you've found your masterpiece.

Amityville Death Toilet (2023)

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-death-toilet-2023/

Amityville Cop (2021) | Cinema Epoch and Amityville together should've been my warning, but I pressed play anyway because apparently I enjoy suffering. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 2.9/10. Oh no...Cinema Epoch. Seeing that logo pop up scares me almost as much as The Asylum. I went from "this might be fun" to "what level of #turkey will this be?" Still, I had a tiny bit of hope. An Amityville-flavoured Maniac Cop knock-off? That has potential. Amityville Cop is only 68 minutes, how much damage could it really do?

The movie opens with some suspiciously familiar-looking city skyline drone footage that screams "stock footage subscription," before introducing a couple saying goodbye. They seal it with a kiss, he drives off...and immediately gets pulled over by a creepy demonic cop. Let's just say he didn't get out of the ticket. He got removed from the human population count.

Right from the start, Officer Miller (Jason Toler) is the best thing in the movie. The bar is very low. He casually explains an arrest involving a broken table with such deadpan seriousness that I honestly wondered if I'd already reached the film's comedic peak. Turns out...I probably had.

The plot never bothers explaining why this demonic cop exists. He just wanders around murdering people because...he was sorta wronged by his partner? It's very vague. Sometimes less is more. Unfortunately, the kills are almost all hidden by awkward editing or happen off-screen, so even that novelty wears thin pretty quickly.

The script is wonderfully ridiculous without meaning to be. At one point it's apparently perfectly normal for someone to have a rocket launcher sitting at their desk inside the local police station. You know...standard police equipment.

What annoyed me was the filmmakers seemed convinced they were making a serious horror film. The wisecracking killer cop occasionally injects some accidental laughs, but everyone else treats the material like it's deadly serious. Focusing on the absurdity could have made this a fun little B-movie.

And then there's the Amityville connection...or rather, the complete lack of one. Aside from borrowing the name for marketing purposes, nothing here remotely resembles anything associated with Amityville mythology. You could rename this Demon Cop and absolutely nothing would change.

Ironically, there is one fun bit of trivia. Laurene Landon appears here as a satanic cult leader and also starred in the first two Maniac Cop films. That's probably the closest this movie ever comes to earning a comparison. Sadly, instead of capturing any of that trilogy's cheesy fun, this feels like an incredibly watered-down rip-off.

Most of the runtime consists of painfully stiff conversations inside what appears to be someone's empty house doubling as a police station, interrupted by more stock drone footage and bloodless kill scenes. It quickly becomes repetitive and surprisingly dull for something involving a supernatural killer cop.

I've certainly seen worse Amityville cash-grabs over the years, but this comfortably sits in the same entertainment bracket as Amityvillenado. Another movie you watch more because the title amuses you than because the film itself does.

By the time the credits rolled, I disconnected this one from my movie library almost as quickly as the Demon Cop disconnects people from life.

Amityville Cop (2021)

Would I recommend Amityville Cop? Only if you're trying to complete the endless Amityville collection or enjoy watching low-budget horror oddities for the unintentional comedy. If you're actually hoping for a supernatural Maniac Cop-style horror film, this one never comes close to delivering.

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-cop-2021/

Amityville Karen (2022) | Amityville Karen somehow stretches one joke into 103 painful minutes. I laughed more at it than with it. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 2.2/10. Oh boy. First things first. No movie called Amityville Karen should be 103 minutes long. My own fault for watching, but I shouldn't have to say that. If you're making one of these micro-budget Amityville cash grabs, keep it under 90 minutes. Hell, under 80 would be even better.

The premise is exactly as ridiculous as it sounds. Karen (Lauren Francesca) is a cold, miserable health inspector who makes everyone around her suffer. After stealing a cursed bottle of wine from a struggling brewery, she ends up possessed and begins murdering people while delivering customer service complaints. Apparently even demonic possession can't stop her from asking to see the manager.

Oddly enough, the opening credits surprised me, looking somewhat professional. They almost have that polished Hallmark movie vibe before everything falls off a cliff. We meet Karen in bed, where she wastes absolutely no time complaining about landscapers outside her window just to make sure nobody misses the joke. Then creepy music kicks in for the title card because...Amityville Karen.

One pleasant surprise is that when Karen starts driving, she's actually in a moving car instead of pretending to drive in front of a green screen. My standards are low here, so yes, that counts as praise.

Francesca commits to playing the world's most insufferable Karen, and seriously, she seems a little too comfortable in the role. Whenever she's berating people, she's actually entertaining enough. Unfortunately, every time she breaks into her evil villain laugh, things go downhill in a hurry.

The cursed wine introduces some bizarre moments. Karen dreams about a half-naked dancing woman before Barnaby (Carl Solomon) shows up at her door carrying a blood contract that needs signing. Sure, why not sign it? This is Amityville. Barnaby is easily one of the funniest characters in the movie and steals just about every scene he's in.

One gag I actually laughed at was Karen talking in her sleep.

"I want to see your manager..."

"I need a refund..."

She repeats complaint after complaint while asleep, and it's probably the biggest laugh the movie managed to get out of me.

Unfortunately, once the story reaches the winery, things become painfully awkward. The wine tasting is loaded with cardboard-cutout patrons, an aggressively annoying band, and enough second-hand embarrassment to pair nicely with the cursed cabernet. The lead singer, Captain (Mike Ferguson), looked familiar, and sure enough, he'd previously turned up in Night Patrol.

The first kill isn't particularly convincing, but at least it's done with practical effects. Karen then wanders around dispatching people one by one, attaching some new complaint or customer grievance to every murder. It's a decent enough running joke, but there's simply not enough story surrounding it.

The acting outside of Francesca and Solomon is rough. Really rough. It often feels like director/Alex Shawn C. Phillips simply let everyone improvise entire conversations and hoped something funny would happen. Most of the time...it doesn't. There are even moments where weapons visibly miss their targets by a mile. Those scissors weren't fooling anybody.

Julie Anne Prescott wrote Amityville Karen, and anyone familiar with low-budget indie horror has probably seen her name before. This falls squarely into that same category of B-movie schlock. The problem isn't the silly premise. That's actually part of the appeal. It's that there's barely enough plot for an hour, let alone 103 minutes.

I probably would've bumped this out of full #turkey territory if it had simply wrapped things up sooner.

Instead, after the winery sequence finally ends, the movie somehow gets even worse.

The final ten minutes become an endless parade of fake news reports featuring what has to be every crowdfunding supporter who paid for a cameo. One after another after another after another. It's painfully obvious why they're there, and instead of sprinkling these appearances throughout the movie, they're dumped on us all at once. Watching random people awkwardly deliver news reports for ten straight minutes is one of the most irritating ways I've ever seen a movie pad its runtime.

Amityville Karen (2022)

At least the credits looked nice. That's something.

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-karen-2022/

Amityvillenado (2026) | Watching someone shoot a tornado with a handgun tells you everything you need to know about this ridiculous movie. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 3.2/10. At a hefty 111 minutes, Amityvillenado had me preparing for another endurance test. The Amityville name has been slapped onto just about everything at this point, and most of them have been disasters. A haunted tornado? That sounded like another entry destined for the bargain bin. Surprisingly, this one had something many of the others lacked. It actually knew exactly how ridiculous it was.

The film follows friends Trey (Trey Ball) and Jib (Jib Haddan), who witness the aftermath of the infamous DeFeo house being obliterated by a tornado that somehow absorbs its supernatural evil. Yes, that's the plot. Their biggest concern at first is that Trey might miss the Skull Crusher concert, but as people begin having their souls vacuumed out by the possessed twister, local meteorologist June Weathers (Elizabeth McCoy), a paranormal investigator, and former priest Father O'Harahan (Will Hoffpauir) join forces to stop the storm from consuming the town.

Things begin with two women exploring an Amityville-looking house during a rainstorm. Calling it "Amityville-looking" might be generous. The silhouette resembled an eighth-grade art project. Naturally, one of them discovers a Ouija board and decides opening the Hasbro Portal to Hell sounds like an excellent life choice. Before they can finish, a tornado warning interrupts the séance, followed quickly by the opening credits and a hard cut to what looks like the male versions of those same characters jamming to dubstep while driving.

The movie is split into chapters with titles like A Weekend to Remember, Ghosts of Ocean Avenue, June's Warning, and Mystic Eye. They're thrown around so often they almost become part of the joke. I only mention them since I took the time to write them down LOL. Officer Lipshits (Clay Aleman) spends half the movie investigating whether his wife is cheating while everyone else is trying to survive a demon-infested tornado. Somehow, that subplot fits right in.

I was ready to make fun of the suspiciously spotless empty lot where the Amityville house supposedly stood...until Trey pointed out exactly how weird it looked before I could. Fair play, movie.

The effects won't fool anyone, but they're surprisingly workable considering the budget. Souls being ripped from bodies by the tornado actually look decent enough, and every time someone comes up with another absurd solution, the film doubles down. My personal favorite? Watching someone decide shooting a tornado with a handgun was a perfectly reasonable plan.

There was clearly a little more effort put into this one than most Amityville cash grabs. Writer/director team Paul Tucker and Jeff Van Gerwen seem fully aware they're making something completely ridiculous, and instead of expecting us to take it seriously, they lean into the comedy. Unlike Amityville Rex, where the laughs mostly came from how unintentionally bad it was, the humor here actually feels intentional.

Amityvillenado (2026)

The finale is equally stupid in all the right ways, although the predictable ending and awkward survivors' dance party probably should have been left on the cutting room floor. Amityvillenado isn't a good movie by conventional standards, but it is an entertaining one if you're willing to embrace the stupidity. That might be enough, up to you.

https://jackmeat.com/amityvillenado-2026/

Amityville Rex (2026) | If you enjoy gloriously bad movies, Amityville Rex delivers enough accidental comedy to make the 69 minutes surprisingly painless. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 2.6/10. After I pressed play on Amityville Rex, I figured there was no possible way adding dinosaurs to the Amityville curse could make things any worse than last night's cinematic crime against humanity that was Amityville Backrooms.

Right? RIGHT???

I'll let you know in approximately 69 minutes.

With Mark Polonia directing, I already know exactly what kind of movie I am getting. Who could forget Mummy Shark? If you've seen one of his films, you've got a pretty good idea of the glorious bargain-bin stupidity you're about to experience.

The movie opens with the words "One Year Earlier." Earlier than what? Nothing has happened yet. Two random guys wander around the woods, decide the location is "perfect," then leave. Perfect for what? Don't worry, the movie has no intention of explaining itself.

Instead, we're treated to some educational text informing us that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was one of history's deadliest predators.

Thanks, movie. I was worried I'd accidentally confused it with a golden retriever.

Before long, a hiker discovers this fact firsthand, and that's where the special effects really announce themselves. The CGI dinosaur lumbers onto the screen and starts chomping people apart while gallons of digital blood explode everywhere. It's impossible not to laugh.

Once that's over, another text screen confidently declares Amityville to be "the most haunted and cursed location in American history." Is that actually true? Probably not. Has that ever stopped one of these movies? Absolutely not.

Then we get reporters discussing a museum exhibit, another Satanic ritual, and somehow dinosaurs become involved because... sure, why not? This is an Amityville movie. Internal logic left town about thirty sequels ago.

It is surprising how the effects bounce between CGI and stop-motion animation. It's a bizarre combination that never quite settles on a style, yet in some way this is what makes it amusing.

Trailer: https://vimeo.com/950867073/eec0c135f6

The story, however, is another matter.

A police officer literally witnesses the dinosaur attack, yet barely two minutes later dismisses someone claiming a dinosaur committed the murder as completely insane.

Buddy...you were THERE.

Characters constantly forget things they've just seen, motivations appear and disappear on a whim, and the plot simply shuffles everyone toward the next digital bloodbath.

Thankfully, the dinosaur has a very efficient hunting strategy. Nearly every victim loses only their head, allowing the filmmakers to unleash another glorious shower of CGI blood without worrying too much about the rest of the body.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

It's also surprisingly entertaining.

Not because it's good. Let's not get carried away. But because it embraces its own insanity with such unwavering confidence that I found myself laughing far more than groaning. Every questionable acting choice. Each awkward effect. All the nonsensical plot turns. It all somehow stacks into an experience that's impossible to take seriously.

Would I recommend Amityville Rex as a quality horror film?

Absolutely not.

Would I recommend it to friends who enjoy gathering around with a few (hundred) drinks to watch something spectacularly terrible?

Honestly...yes.

It's objectively awful, but I laughed enough that I'm letting it narrowly escape the #turkey label. Sometimes being entertaining for all the wrong reasons is enough.

Amityville Rex (2026)

One final note. The poster artwork deserves an award for false advertising. It's easily the best thing about the entire production and promises a movie the budget could only dream of delivering.

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-rex-2026/

Amityville Backrooms (2024) | This movie trapped me in its own Backrooms, where every scene led back to the exact same boring scene. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 0.7/10. Thought I’d start my week-long Amityville experience (and when I say "experience," I really mean "torture") with Amityville Backrooms. After watching (and reviewing) Backrooms recently, I thought to myself, “Why not see what happens if I just throw the name Amityville onto another internet horror trend?”

I have my answer now. It was a mistake. At least letting Evan Jacobs make it.

The movie opens with some amateur footage of a guy discussing the idea of combining Amityville with the Backrooms on his podcast. That's followed by a news report featuring one of the most painfully obvious green screen effects you'll ever see as a reporter explains that an abandoned house in Amityville can't be sold. If this movie had a budget, I suspect somebody accidentally left it in another dimension before filming started.

We then meet Keith (Chris Lohman), who's trapped inside the house. He's the world's most irritating real estate guy, constantly calling about selling the house. His performance somehow manages to be even more grating than the endless stock howling noises that randomly appear on the soundtrack. Why is there howling? I have no idea. Wolves? Ghost wolves? Discount sound effects from a 1998 horror CD? Your guess is as good as mine.

Most of the next hour consists of Keith wandering around what looks like an entirely normal suburban home while talking to himself. He spends so much time standing in the kitchen I started wondering if the real horror was waiting for the kettle to boil.

The editing deserves a special mention. Keith walks somewhere. Cut. And suddenly he's back where he started. That's the entire movie. Repeat for 72 minutes.

At the 26-minute mark I checked the runtime. That is never a good sign.

By the 36-minute mark, it honestly felt like I'd been trapped in the Backrooms myself for a week.

Every so often the film throws in a superimposed ghostly face or a random creepy image, apparently to remind us it's supposed to be horror. The funniest part is Keith usually doesn't even notice any of it. The Backrooms creatures make blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearances while our hero continues having lengthy conversations with himself like he's forgotten the audience exists.

Eventually his coworker Alex (Mike Hartsfield) shows up...

...and exactly the same thing happens to him.

The end. That's it.

There are no twists. No escalating tension. No payoff. I couldn't spoil anything even if I wanted to because absolutely nothing happens. The concept had potential, but instead of creating the unsettling, reality-bending nightmare that made the Backrooms popular, the filmmakers somehow turned it into 72 minutes of watching a guy unsuccessfully navigate a very average-looking house.

Honestly, "Amityville: Two Middle-Aged Virgins Make a Movie" would've been a more accurate title.

This is easily one of the worst Amityville films I've sat through, and considering this franchise has produced more disasters than functioning haunted houses, that's saying something. It sits comfortably alongside Amityville: Mt. Misery Road in the race to the bottom. That link is the whole movie if you want to punish yourself.

Amityville Backrooms (2024)

If getting trapped in the Backrooms is supposed to drive you insane, watching Amityville Backrooms is probably the cheaper alternative.

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-backrooms-2024/