Amityville Karen (2022) | Amityville Karen somehow stretches one joke into 103 painful minutes. I laughed more at it than with it. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 2.2/10. Oh boy. First things first. No movie called Amityville Karen should be 103 minutes long. My own fault for watching, but I shouldn't have to say that. If you're making one of these micro-budget Amityville cash grabs, keep it under 90 minutes. Hell, under 80 would be even better.

The premise is exactly as ridiculous as it sounds. Karen (Lauren Francesca) is a cold, miserable health inspector who makes everyone around her suffer. After stealing a cursed bottle of wine from a struggling brewery, she ends up possessed and begins murdering people while delivering customer service complaints. Apparently even demonic possession can't stop her from asking to see the manager.

Oddly enough, the opening credits surprised me, looking somewhat professional. They almost have that polished Hallmark movie vibe before everything falls off a cliff. We meet Karen in bed, where she wastes absolutely no time complaining about landscapers outside her window just to make sure nobody misses the joke. Then creepy music kicks in for the title card because...Amityville Karen.

One pleasant surprise is that when Karen starts driving, she's actually in a moving car instead of pretending to drive in front of a green screen. My standards are low here, so yes, that counts as praise.

Francesca commits to playing the world's most insufferable Karen, and seriously, she seems a little too comfortable in the role. Whenever she's berating people, she's actually entertaining enough. Unfortunately, every time she breaks into her evil villain laugh, things go downhill in a hurry.

The cursed wine introduces some bizarre moments. Karen dreams about a half-naked dancing woman before Barnaby (Carl Solomon) shows up at her door carrying a blood contract that needs signing. Sure, why not sign it? This is Amityville. Barnaby is easily one of the funniest characters in the movie and steals just about every scene he's in.

One gag I actually laughed at was Karen talking in her sleep.

"I want to see your manager..."

"I need a refund..."

She repeats complaint after complaint while asleep, and it's probably the biggest laugh the movie managed to get out of me.

Unfortunately, once the story reaches the winery, things become painfully awkward. The wine tasting is loaded with cardboard-cutout patrons, an aggressively annoying band, and enough second-hand embarrassment to pair nicely with the cursed cabernet. The lead singer, Captain (Mike Ferguson), looked familiar, and sure enough, he'd previously turned up in Night Patrol.

The first kill isn't particularly convincing, but at least it's done with practical effects. Karen then wanders around dispatching people one by one, attaching some new complaint or customer grievance to every murder. It's a decent enough running joke, but there's simply not enough story surrounding it.

The acting outside of Francesca and Solomon is rough. Really rough. It often feels like director/Alex Shawn C. Phillips simply let everyone improvise entire conversations and hoped something funny would happen. Most of the time...it doesn't. There are even moments where weapons visibly miss their targets by a mile. Those scissors weren't fooling anybody.

Julie Anne Prescott wrote Amityville Karen, and anyone familiar with low-budget indie horror has probably seen her name before. This falls squarely into that same category of B-movie schlock. The problem isn't the silly premise. That's actually part of the appeal. It's that there's barely enough plot for an hour, let alone 103 minutes.

I probably would've bumped this out of full #turkey territory if it had simply wrapped things up sooner.

Instead, after the winery sequence finally ends, the movie somehow gets even worse.

The final ten minutes become an endless parade of fake news reports featuring what has to be every crowdfunding supporter who paid for a cameo. One after another after another after another. It's painfully obvious why they're there, and instead of sprinkling these appearances throughout the movie, they're dumped on us all at once. Watching random people awkwardly deliver news reports for ten straight minutes is one of the most irritating ways I've ever seen a movie pad its runtime.

Amityville Karen (2022)

At least the credits looked nice. That's something.

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-karen-2022/

Amityvillenado (2026) | Watching someone shoot a tornado with a handgun tells you everything you need to know about this ridiculous movie. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 3.2/10. At a hefty 111 minutes, Amityvillenado had me preparing for another endurance test. The Amityville name has been slapped onto just about everything at this point, and most of them have been disasters. A haunted tornado? That sounded like another entry destined for the bargain bin. Surprisingly, this one had something many of the others lacked. It actually knew exactly how ridiculous it was.

The film follows friends Trey (Trey Ball) and Jib (Jib Haddan), who witness the aftermath of the infamous DeFeo house being obliterated by a tornado that somehow absorbs its supernatural evil. Yes, that's the plot. Their biggest concern at first is that Trey might miss the Skull Crusher concert, but as people begin having their souls vacuumed out by the possessed twister, local meteorologist June Weathers (Elizabeth McCoy), a paranormal investigator, and former priest Father O'Harahan (Will Hoffpauir) join forces to stop the storm from consuming the town.

Things begin with two women exploring an Amityville-looking house during a rainstorm. Calling it "Amityville-looking" might be generous. The silhouette resembled an eighth-grade art project. Naturally, one of them discovers a Ouija board and decides opening the Hasbro Portal to Hell sounds like an excellent life choice. Before they can finish, a tornado warning interrupts the séance, followed quickly by the opening credits and a hard cut to what looks like the male versions of those same characters jamming to dubstep while driving.

The movie is split into chapters with titles like A Weekend to Remember, Ghosts of Ocean Avenue, June's Warning, and Mystic Eye. They're thrown around so often they almost become part of the joke. I only mention them since I took the time to write them down LOL. Officer Lipshits (Clay Aleman) spends half the movie investigating whether his wife is cheating while everyone else is trying to survive a demon-infested tornado. Somehow, that subplot fits right in.

I was ready to make fun of the suspiciously spotless empty lot where the Amityville house supposedly stood...until Trey pointed out exactly how weird it looked before I could. Fair play, movie.

The effects won't fool anyone, but they're surprisingly workable considering the budget. Souls being ripped from bodies by the tornado actually look decent enough, and every time someone comes up with another absurd solution, the film doubles down. My personal favorite? Watching someone decide shooting a tornado with a handgun was a perfectly reasonable plan.

There was clearly a little more effort put into this one than most Amityville cash grabs. Writer/director team Paul Tucker and Jeff Van Gerwen seem fully aware they're making something completely ridiculous, and instead of expecting us to take it seriously, they lean into the comedy. Unlike Amityville Rex, where the laughs mostly came from how unintentionally bad it was, the humor here actually feels intentional.

Amityvillenado (2026)

The finale is equally stupid in all the right ways, although the predictable ending and awkward survivors' dance party probably should have been left on the cutting room floor. Amityvillenado isn't a good movie by conventional standards, but it is an entertaining one if you're willing to embrace the stupidity. That might be enough, up to you.

https://jackmeat.com/amityvillenado-2026/

Amityville Rex (2026) | If you enjoy gloriously bad movies, Amityville Rex delivers enough accidental comedy to make the 69 minutes surprisingly painless. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 2.6/10. After I pressed play on Amityville Rex, I figured there was no possible way adding dinosaurs to the Amityville curse could make things any worse than last night's cinematic crime against humanity that was Amityville Backrooms.

Right? RIGHT???

I'll let you know in approximately 69 minutes.

With Mark Polonia directing, I already know exactly what kind of movie I am getting. Who could forget Mummy Shark? If you've seen one of his films, you've got a pretty good idea of the glorious bargain-bin stupidity you're about to experience.

The movie opens with the words "One Year Earlier." Earlier than what? Nothing has happened yet. Two random guys wander around the woods, decide the location is "perfect," then leave. Perfect for what? Don't worry, the movie has no intention of explaining itself.

Instead, we're treated to some educational text informing us that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was one of history's deadliest predators.

Thanks, movie. I was worried I'd accidentally confused it with a golden retriever.

Before long, a hiker discovers this fact firsthand, and that's where the special effects really announce themselves. The CGI dinosaur lumbers onto the screen and starts chomping people apart while gallons of digital blood explode everywhere. It's impossible not to laugh.

Once that's over, another text screen confidently declares Amityville to be "the most haunted and cursed location in American history." Is that actually true? Probably not. Has that ever stopped one of these movies? Absolutely not.

Then we get reporters discussing a museum exhibit, another Satanic ritual, and somehow dinosaurs become involved because... sure, why not? This is an Amityville movie. Internal logic left town about thirty sequels ago.

It is surprising how the effects bounce between CGI and stop-motion animation. It's a bizarre combination that never quite settles on a style, yet in some way this is what makes it amusing.

Trailer: https://vimeo.com/950867073/eec0c135f6

The story, however, is another matter.

A police officer literally witnesses the dinosaur attack, yet barely two minutes later dismisses someone claiming a dinosaur committed the murder as completely insane.

Buddy...you were THERE.

Characters constantly forget things they've just seen, motivations appear and disappear on a whim, and the plot simply shuffles everyone toward the next digital bloodbath.

Thankfully, the dinosaur has a very efficient hunting strategy. Nearly every victim loses only their head, allowing the filmmakers to unleash another glorious shower of CGI blood without worrying too much about the rest of the body.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

It's also surprisingly entertaining.

Not because it's good. Let's not get carried away. But because it embraces its own insanity with such unwavering confidence that I found myself laughing far more than groaning. Every questionable acting choice. Each awkward effect. All the nonsensical plot turns. It all somehow stacks into an experience that's impossible to take seriously.

Would I recommend Amityville Rex as a quality horror film?

Absolutely not.

Would I recommend it to friends who enjoy gathering around with a few (hundred) drinks to watch something spectacularly terrible?

Honestly...yes.

It's objectively awful, but I laughed enough that I'm letting it narrowly escape the #turkey label. Sometimes being entertaining for all the wrong reasons is enough.

Amityville Rex (2026)

One final note. The poster artwork deserves an award for false advertising. It's easily the best thing about the entire production and promises a movie the budget could only dream of delivering.

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-rex-2026/

Amityville Backrooms (2024) | This movie trapped me in its own Backrooms, where every scene led back to the exact same boring scene. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 0.7/10. Thought I’d start my week-long Amityville experience (and when I say "experience," I really mean "torture") with Amityville Backrooms. After watching (and reviewing) Backrooms recently, I thought to myself, “Why not see what happens if I just throw the name Amityville onto another internet horror trend?”

I have my answer now. It was a mistake. At least letting Evan Jacobs make it.

The movie opens with some amateur footage of a guy discussing the idea of combining Amityville with the Backrooms on his podcast. That's followed by a news report featuring one of the most painfully obvious green screen effects you'll ever see as a reporter explains that an abandoned house in Amityville can't be sold. If this movie had a budget, I suspect somebody accidentally left it in another dimension before filming started.

We then meet Keith (Chris Lohman), who's trapped inside the house. He's the world's most irritating real estate guy, constantly calling about selling the house. His performance somehow manages to be even more grating than the endless stock howling noises that randomly appear on the soundtrack. Why is there howling? I have no idea. Wolves? Ghost wolves? Discount sound effects from a 1998 horror CD? Your guess is as good as mine.

Most of the next hour consists of Keith wandering around what looks like an entirely normal suburban home while talking to himself. He spends so much time standing in the kitchen I started wondering if the real horror was waiting for the kettle to boil.

The editing deserves a special mention. Keith walks somewhere. Cut. And suddenly he's back where he started. That's the entire movie. Repeat for 72 minutes.

At the 26-minute mark I checked the runtime. That is never a good sign.

By the 36-minute mark, it honestly felt like I'd been trapped in the Backrooms myself for a week.

Every so often the film throws in a superimposed ghostly face or a random creepy image, apparently to remind us it's supposed to be horror. The funniest part is Keith usually doesn't even notice any of it. The Backrooms creatures make blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearances while our hero continues having lengthy conversations with himself like he's forgotten the audience exists.

Eventually his coworker Alex (Mike Hartsfield) shows up...

...and exactly the same thing happens to him.

The end. That's it.

There are no twists. No escalating tension. No payoff. I couldn't spoil anything even if I wanted to because absolutely nothing happens. The concept had potential, but instead of creating the unsettling, reality-bending nightmare that made the Backrooms popular, the filmmakers somehow turned it into 72 minutes of watching a guy unsuccessfully navigate a very average-looking house.

Honestly, "Amityville: Two Middle-Aged Virgins Make a Movie" would've been a more accurate title.

This is easily one of the worst Amityville films I've sat through, and considering this franchise has produced more disasters than functioning haunted houses, that's saying something. It sits comfortably alongside Amityville: Mt. Misery Road in the race to the bottom. That link is the whole movie if you want to punish yourself.

Amityville Backrooms (2024)

If getting trapped in the Backrooms is supposed to drive you insane, watching Amityville Backrooms is probably the cheaper alternative.

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-backrooms-2024/

Kraken (2026) | If you're after non-stop Kraken action, lower your expectations. If you like old-school creature features, you'll probably have fun. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 5.2/10. Kraken tries to convince you that lurking beneath Norway's deepest fjord is a mythical sea monster capable of flattening boats, swallowing tourists, and ruining everyone's weekend. Unfortunately, it also expects you to wait...and wait...and wait before it remembers the title of the movie.

The film opens with some creepy black-and-white archival footage of locals being interviewed about mysterious sightings in the Sognefjord, immediately setting up a nice old-school monster mystery. Then we're treated to sweeping modern-day shots of the fjord that honestly deserve their own tourism commercial. It's stunning scenery, and for a while it's the most entertaining thing on screen.

Enter two jet ski enthusiasts who apparently graduated from the Horror Movie School of Bad Decisions. They decide it'd be hilarious to create their own whirlpool in the middle of the fjord. Spoiler alert: nature wins. They vanish into the depths, and the Kraken finally gets its first snack.

Sara Khorami plays Johanne, a marine biologist returning to her hometown after the mysterious disappearances. From there, director Pål Øie checks off nearly every box in the "nature has had enough of humanity" playbook. Missing tourists? Check. Environmental activists exposing dirty secrets on social media? Check. Scientists nobody listens to? Absolutely. All that's missing is someone suggesting they split up.

The biggest problem is that the movie spends so much time setting all of this up that the Kraken itself feels like it's stuck in traffic. For a film literally called Kraken, there is a surprising lack of...well...Kraken. I was beginning to think the creature had called in sick.

Once those enormous tentacles finally burst from the water, things improve considerably. The second half delivers some excitement, a handful of action scenes, and enough giant suction cups to satisfy those of you wondering what an octopus on steroids might look like. Sadly, they keep the monster mostly hidden, teasing us with tentacles and one massive eye instead of giving us the full mountain-sized nightmare.

The horror is fairly restrained, the body count isn't especially graphic, and you'll most likely guess who survives long before the credits. Still, there's something nostalgic about its straightforward creature-feature approach. It never tries to reinvent the genre. It simply wants to tell a classic "something enormous lives underwater, and everyone ignored the warning signs" story.

Kraken may not unleash enough monster mayhem to fully satisfy creature-feature fans, but once it finally lets its tentacles loose, it's entertaining enough to justify the slow journey. Just don't expect wall-to-wall sea monster action...because this Kraken definitely believes in being fashionably late.

Kraken (2026)

https://jackmeat.com/kraken-2026/

Disclosure Day (2026) | Spielberg still can put on a show. Shame the massive conspiracy reveal felt more like a polite shrug than a mic drop. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 6.6/10. It takes about thirty seconds for Disclosure Day to let you know you're not watching a typical alien conspiracy movie. It opens with a professional wrestling match. Nope, I'm not kidding.

And if you are also a wrestling fan, you might recognize it's Lance Archer taking on Brian Cage. Somewhere in the crowd, while everyone else is busy enjoying two giants trying to knock each other's heads off, Daniel (Josh O'Connor) has a different agenda. He's there to rescue Jane (Eve Hewson), and before long it's obvious he's carrying something that a very powerful corporation desperately wants back.

In 2026, the most valuable thing in the world isn't gold. It's data. That's about all I'll say because the less you know going in, the better.

If for some reason you didn't get that from the previews, this definitely has the Spielberg touch. This guy just does it so well that it's no wonder that he's still one of the best directors out there. And what else can you expect when the legendary John Williams comes along? Apparently, those two signed a friendship contract several decades ago that nobody is allowed to break. The score is classic Williams. Instantly recognizable without overtaking the whole show.

Emily Blunt is fantastic as Margaret Fairchild, a local weather reporter who accidentally finds herself becoming... well... something far more important than she ever planned. Wyatt Russell is solid as her boyfriend Jackson, while Colin Firth quietly steals scenes whenever he appears. Nobody phones it in here. The performances across the board are excellent.

The action is also handled nicely. Steven Spielberg still knows how to stage a chase sequence better than most directors half his age. Cars, helicopters, people sprinting through locations they probably shouldn't be sprinting through. It all looks fantastic. Sure, a few character decisions had me wondering if common sense had taken a sick day, but that's blockbuster cinema. If everyone made smart decisions, we'd lose about an hour of running time.

My biggest issue is that Disclosure Day feels like it's building toward a jaw-dropping revelation...and then it kind of shrugs.

The conspiracy never gives the payoff it promises, but even more bizarre is that there is no fallout from all this. This is one of those stories that you will definitely look at the person next to you and say, “Is that it?” If you have watched it, you know exactly what I mean.

That's too bad since everything leading up to it is genuinely entertaining. There is nonstop movement, a bit of mystery, and Spielberg shoots everything with his signature flair. The problem is that all of this excitement is building up to an anticlimactic ending.

I also couldn't help comparing it to Close Encounters of the Third Kind. That film left me thinking about it long after the credits rolled. Disclosure Day never landed that emotional punch. Instead of blowing my mind, it gave me a polite little nudge on the way out of the theater. The film shows that empathy exists in everyone, even if we call them the villains.

Maybe thirty years ago this ending would've sparked endless conversations. In today's TikTok-sized attention span world, though, audiences expect something that really sticks the landing, and this just doesn't quite get there.

Disclosure Day (2026)

Still, if you're looking for a slick conspiracy thriller with great performances, exciting action, and Spielberg doing Spielberg things, there's plenty to enjoy here. Just don't expect the universe's biggest secret to completely blow your socks off.

https://jackmeat.com/disclosure-day-2026/

Kill Trip (2026) | Road trips are supposed to create memories. Kill Trip mostly creates second-hand embarrassment. For me? The actors? Both. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 3.2/10. Talk about suckering me in. Kill Trip kicks off with a surprisingly stylish graphic novel-inspired opening credits sequence. The visuals themselves are rather impressive, and it briefly seems as if the credits will lead somewhere interesting that will tie back into the movie itself. They do…sort of. Just enough to remind you that writer/director Kristian McKay had at least one good idea.

Then reality hits.

We wake up with Katy (Diletta Guglielmi) and her group of four friends on their way to a Texas music festival. After demonstrating that not a single one of them possesses even a passing familiarity with rhythm, they're soon stranded on the side of the road. Enter Dallas (Tate Christensen), a friendly bloke driving a van who happily offers them a lift.

Because accepting a ride from a stranger in a creepy van has never gone badly in horror movies.

Oddly enough, Dallas turns out to be the most accommodating serial-killer-looking chauffeur imaginable. Need a swim? Sure. Want random sightseeing stops? No worries. He's practically running the world's least profitable Uber. The giant flashing warning signs couldn't be brighter if they were sponsored by Vegas.

The dialogue doesn't help matters. Every conversation feels painfully forced, with characters delivering lines that sound like they were generated by a "Teen Horror Dialogue" starter pack.

My personal favourite - "You think this guy picked us up to murder us, and then kill us." 36-minute mark if you think I am joking.

To make matters worse, the group spends so much time arguing with each other that you almost find yourself rooting for the mysterious van driver. These people don't seem to like each other, and before long neither will the audience.

There are a few light gore scenes scattered throughout, but nothing particularly memorable. The kills don't overshadow the stupidity of the script, and unfortunately that script is where Kill Trip completely falls apart. It borrows ideas from far better road-trip horrors without using them properly. That and the plot threads dangling everywhere don't help. All this before stumbling into an ending that's unintentionally hilarious.

It's frustrating because the opening storyboard and the basic premise had potential. With tighter writing and characters that behaved like actual human beings instead of walking horror clichés, there might have been a fun little indie slasher hiding underneath.

Kill Trip (2026)

Instead, Kill Trip spends most of its runtime trying to hitchhike on the success of better films and never reaches its destination.

https://jackmeat.com/kill-trip-2026/