My quick rating - 5.5/10. I do love me a good low-budget horror comedy. But when they embrace madness, once in a while, they manage to hit upon that perfect point where enthusiasm wins out over finance. Hold the Fort had me convinced that I had stumbled upon one of those hidden jewels. That trailer was absolutely fun, and with its short 76-minute duration, there couldn't be much filler. Unfortunately, while it comes close, it never quite survives its own HOA meeting.
The movie wastes no time. An elderly couple is barricaded inside their home, fully armed and preparing for...something. An eerie orange glow hangs outside before we're suddenly introduced to a blood-soaked old woman happily announcing she's ready to sell the house. If that doesn't scream "great neighborhood," I don't know what does.
Our unlucky newcomers are Lucas (Chris Mayers) and Jenny (Haley Leary), who move into what appears to be your average suburban nightmare. Jenny quickly discovers the true horror of homeownership - the homeowners association. Except this HOA doesn't care about your mailbox color. They're busy defending the neighborhood from portals to hell during the equinox. Honestly, that's a much better excuse for mandatory meetings than discussing lawn height.
Jerry (Julian Smith) enthusiastically welcomes the couple to the neighborhood party, promising it's "to die for," which turns out to be surprisingly accurate. The residents casually explain that witches, werewolves, demons, and the dreaded Stickman may appear once the portal opens. Everyone treats this like discussing tomorrow's weather forecast, and somehow that's one of the funniest running jokes in the movie. Also, any raffle where the grand prize is a shotgun immediately gets points from me.
Once the monsters arrive, Hold the Fort finally lets loose. Flying witches explode heads with magical attacks, kung fu spirits possess victims into martial arts zombies, fake blood flies everywhere, and the neighborhood's resident badass McScruffy (Hamid-Reza Benjamin Thompson) strolls in like he owns the place. The practical effects intentionally embrace that B-movie charm instead of trying to hide it, and the creature makeup, especially the final monster, looks surprisingly solid.
Unfortunately, Lucas almost derails the fun. The movie spends far too much time making him the painfully timid guy everyone wants to yell at through the screen. There are only so many jokes built around "coward eventually becomes brave" before you start rooting for the monsters. Jenny telling everyone that his greatest survival skill is running fast leads to one of the movie's funniest exchanges, with Ted immediately asking, "What's your mile time?" because apparently sprinting away from demons now requires verified athletic credentials.
There are enough laughs all the way through, along with good action and a few drug-related jokes that are actually pretty funny. There is potential here, yet the screenplay just cannot seem to find a way to balance the ridiculous plot line and the appealing characters (not Lucas). It's one of those movies that keeps showing flashes of what it could have been.
The strangest decision comes during the credits, where a deleted dream sequence plays that is noticeably better than the awkward kung fu zombie sequence that actually made the final cut. Watching it almost feels like discovering the editor accidentally left the stronger scene on the cutting room floor. The outtakes that follow are fun, and the cast looked like they had just as much fun making Hold the Fort as I wanted to have watching it.
I was hoping that this would turn into another one of those horror comedies that people would talk about for years (They Will Kill You comes to mind). It comes very close, but just never seems to be able to get there. However, if you think that having an HOA meeting interrupted by witches and demons and exploding heads and shotgun raffles sounds like fun, you’ll be right at home.
https://jackmeat.com/hold-the-fort-2025/
No comments:
Post a Comment