My quick rating - 5.2/10. If modern dating apps weren't already a horror show, Vampires of the Velvet Lounge comes along and asks an important question. What if your next match was literally trying to drain your blood? Suddenly getting ghosted doesn't sound so bad.
The film opens with a lengthy recap of the Elizabeth Bathory story. You know the one. The legendary countess who was addicted to preserving her youthful beauty. It is rumored that she would bathe in the blood of young virgins before being locked up in a tower where she would later die. It’s nothing new, but it serves to set the stage for the contemporary vampire story that ensues.
The very first bar sequence was eye-catching for me because of its dull palette, which makes the red and green colors pop. Once the Green Fairy appeared and claimed her first victim, I could not help drawing a connection between this character and Nitara from the game Mortal Kombat. Practical and digital blood effects work well together and prepare us for the credits, backed by Anna Calvi singing Ain't No Grave.
Mena Suvari plays Elizabeth Bathory, while Tom Berenger shows up as Albert, a man determined to finally stop her. Backing him up are Dichen Lachman as Cora and Rosa Salazar as Alexis. Meanwhile, Elizabeth and her coven are using dating apps to lure unsuspecting men back to their absinthe lounge for feeding sessions and blood collection. It's probably the most extreme example of false advertising I've seen on a dating profile.
The victims include Stephen Dorff, Tyrese Gibson, and Lochlyn Munro. Dorff continues his tradition of appearing in some wonderfully oddball projects. Usually the movies he pops up in have some hidden twist or secret, but Vampires of the Velvet Lounge is pretty straightforward. It promises vampires, blood, and mayhem, then gets right to work delivering exactly that.
One thing I wasn't expecting was how funny this flick was. A line during a car scene comparing the situation to a drive-thru got a genuine laugh out of me. Vague description, but I don't want to spoil it. In fact, every time a vehicle enters the story, something ridiculous seems to follow. The film never takes itself too seriously, and it's better for it.
The action is equally entertaining. A chaotic bar sequence delivers plenty of violent fun, and there is absolutely no shortage of blood. Most of it is digital, but writer/director Adam Sherman isn't shy about covering the screen in as much red as possible. Combined with the noir-style narration, dance-heavy soundtrack, and colorful visual effects, the movie creates an energetic atmosphere that feels part horror film, part nightclub fever dream.
Beneath all the bloodshed, Vampires of the Velvet Lounge even slips in a surprisingly effective warning about online dating. Through computer screen montages and a few clever observations from the coven, the film suggests that blindly trusting strangers online can have consequences. Usually it's an awkward date. Here, it's becoming part of someone's skincare routine.
Vampires of the Velvet Lounge is not trying to change the face of vampire films. The goal of the movie was to be fashionable, sexy, humorous, and incredibly gory. Good news. It delivers, mostly. If you feel like watching a gory, fast-paced vampire movie that will leave you in stitches, this one has guilty pleasure written all over it.
https://jackmeat.com/vampires-of-the-velvet-lounge-2026/
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