My quick rating - 2.7/10. Horny Teenagers Must Die! had me asking the obvious question right away. Why did I watch this? The answer is pretty simple - sometimes a title alone is enough to trigger curiosity, especially for anyone who spends a lot of time digging through low-budget horror looking for the occasional hidden gem. But this one is no hidden gem and more like a cautionary lesson in film. Yes, technically, anyone could make a movie about as polished as Don't F**k in the Woods…but that doesn’t mean everyone should try.
Director David Zagorski clearly wanted to capture the spirit of old-school ’80s slashers. The formula is all here. A group of horny teenagers in a secluded cabin in the woods. Check. Lots of booze and questionable decision-making. Check. A mysterious killer ready to turn a party weekend into a body count. CHECK. The film even leans into the “sex equals death” trope with enthusiasm, setting up a debauchery-filled getaway where recent high school graduates head into the woods for what they think will be a weekend of partying. Naturally, it quickly becomes a weekend of getting murdered by someone who apparently grabbed whatever random object was nearby. Farm tools, sex toys, you name it.
Things start off with some very "enthusiastic" teenagers who sound like they’re having a conversation inside a wind tunnel. I’m not even sure what was used to record some of the outdoor scenes, but the audio quality suggests a phone mic made by Crapple that lost the battle with the breeze. Combine that with a lens that might have a greasy thumb print on it for about 10 minutes and you get a visual presentation that feels more like accidental found footage than intentional filmmaking.
Once the group arrives at the cabin, things get even more familiar yet still bizarre. The host conveniently forgets to mention the cabin is about a century old and comes with absolutely no indoor plumbing. That alone should have triggered a unanimous vote to get back in the car.
Then there’s Elliot, played by Chhoyang Cheshatsang. Elliot is invited along for reasons that are never really explained, especially since everyone starts making fun of him immediately. And we’re not talking about light teasing either. This group jumps straight to the kind of bullying that includes putting an apple on his head and firing arrows at it. At that point, the killer in the woods almost feels like the least dangerous thing happening at this party.
Character-wise, this group barely tolerates each other. The whole trip seems like a sham since no one gets along at all. In the real world, half these people would’ve bailed before the first beer was opened. Elliot ends up being the only one worth a crap, mostly because he operates on an entirely different level of awkward that somehow makes him the most interesting presence on screen.
The kills rely on practical effects, but the film rarely shows the actual moment of impact. Instead, you’ll see someone swing a weapon, then the movie cuts to the aftermath, like a severed arm sitting there politely dripping blood. It’s the classic low-budget workaround - suggest the violence without ever really filming it.
Between the clunky editing, scenes that cut off while the audio keeps playing, and a twist that feels completely manufactured just so the movie has one, Horny Teenagers Must Die! ends up feeling like a very rough attempt at a slasher tribute. If a friend showed me this after a drunken weekend and said they shot it for fun, I’d probably nod and say, “Looks like you guys had a good time.”
But releasing it for the world to watch? That might be where someone should have taken a hint.
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