My quick rating - 2.3/10. I have to say I was not wondering what if Goldilocks was a deranged home invader and the three bears were masked slashers with questionable motives. But I got an answer anyway because this flick serves up a steaming bowl of, to quote my fiance… something. Whether it’s horror, comedy, or an unintentional experiment in surrealism remains unclear, but one thing’s for certain—it’s a wild ride of nonsensical decisions, bizarre cinematography, and, of course, never-ending bullets.
Let’s start with the opening, which immediately sets the tone for the film’s logic—or lack thereof. Goldilocks doesn’t just break in; she practically busts the door down like she’s SWAT. Then, we get an early contender for Most Unnecessary Dramatic Music Cue of the Year when a dude falls off a counter like it’s a life-threatening event. If that doesn’t clue you in, the ever-changing color gradients and what might be dubbed audio certainly will. It’s like the filmmakers couldn’t decide between making a horror movie or a torture device and just shrugged their shoulders.
Speaking of confusion, let’s talk about the plot. A group of friends on a rural getaway (originality is dead, folks) suddenly find themselves hunted by vengeful, masked fairy tale characters. The supposed highlight? A guy dramatically catches a knife midair (which is cool, I guess), lures one of the bears into the woods, and poof—next thing you know, everyone is conveniently tied up. Did they teleport? Did the bears level up their stealth stats? We may never know.
Goldilocks herself is an enigma, hidden behind a mask so cheap that even dollar store Halloween aisles would be embarrassed to stock it. Her dialogue? Unintelligible. It’s like trying to decipher someone talking through a mouthful of porridge. Not that it matters, because the practical effects are so laughable that you almost expect a bear suit’s zipper to be visible at some point. The action sequences also follow the sacred horror tradition of “infinite ammo,” where guns keep firing with no reloads, because realism is for nerds.
Overall, Goldilocks And The Three Bears: Death And Porridge is exactly what you expect from a film with that title—ridiculous, incoherent, and best enjoyed while playing games before bed when you need background noise that occasionally makes you say, “Wait… what?” This one would probably be rated even lower had I not just watched Fiece Killer Marsupial LOL. If you’re looking for a film with great practical effects, tension, or even basic continuity, just throw this porridge out. But if you enjoy laughing at cinematic absurdity, this one might be just right if you are working on your "Worst of the Year" list.
You can find this for as low as a buck on Amazon and these other streamers. (They should be paying YOU)
https://jackmeat.com/goldilocks-and-the-three-bears-2024/
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