Scary Movie (2026) | It's not a disaster, but after all the hype around the Wayans returning, I expected a lot more than polite chuckles. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 5.2/10. I have been watching these parody movies since the day I first watched Airplane on Showtime. When they are at their best, they hurl so many jokes at us that you don't get time to react from one joke before another hits you. I'm checking out the extended cut of Scary Movie (2026), although I honestly couldn't tell you what was added. If I track down the differences later, I'll update this review.

Twenty-six years after surviving a suspiciously familiar masked killer, Cindy, Brenda (Regina Hall), Ray (Shawn Wayans), and Shorty (Marlon Wayans) are back, and this time every horror franchise is fair game. Reboots, remakes, requels, legacy sequels, elevated horror, spin-offs...if Hollywood has squeezed a dollar out of it, this movie wants to make fun of it. The Wayans return determined to prove they still know how to push buttons, and for a while, they absolutely do.

The movie wastes no time jumping right in. Teyana Taylor kicks things off in a bar with Carmen Electra behind the counter. I won't even attempt to list every cameo because I'd still be typing next week, but it was nice seeing Electra pop up again. She's always entertaining, especially on Nation's Dumbest. If you're not watching, you're missing out.

Anna Faris slips right back into Cindy like she never left. She's now the mother of Sara (Olivia Rose Keegan), while Savannah Lee Nassif plays Tuesday, Sara's sister. Yes...Tuesday. You can probably guess where at least half the jokes write themselves.

Just like all the other Scary Movies, this one fires jokes and gags non-stop. One of the reasons why this movie is so much fun is that you have to constantly look out for something funny going on in the background while something else is happening right in front of you. I found my notes become completely worthless pretty fast.

Unfortunately, that strong opening doesn't last.

The laughs become increasingly hit-or-miss as the movie tries harder by forcing jokes instead of letting them land naturally. Every few minutes it feels like someone yelled, "We need another LOL here!" Whether it actually worked became almost secondary.

Then came the animated K-pop musical number. I'll admit I actually laughed. Not because it was hilarious, but because I found myself thinking, "Surely they're not going there." Naturally, they went there.

Not every joke misses, though. The "Ask Demi Moore" line got a genuine laugh out of me, and seeing Chris Elliott return as Shorthand delivered a surprisingly nostalgic hit for longtime fans. I also got a kick out of how they managed to work Weapons into one scene. Horror fans will have plenty to look for, with nods to everything from Sinners to recent genre hits scattered throughout the movie.

Following years of complaints about their franchise being stripped from them, I thought the Wayans' return would have been a big comeback. But it is not. It seems to be more of a happy get-together that just cannot seem to regain its magic.

There's certainly no shortage of references, cameos, or enthusiasm. The problem is that references aren't automatically jokes. The original films balanced outrageous stupidity with genuinely clever parody. Here, too many scenes mistake "remember this?" for an actual punchline.

I still had enough laughs to not get pissed about my 105-minute investment. And longtime fans will probably enjoy seeing the old gang back together one more time. I just wish the script had been as sharp as the nostalgia.

Scary Movie (2026)

https://jackmeat.com/scary-movie-2026/

Night of Blood (2026) | Six people enter a deadly endurance challenge. The real test is making it through this movie without checking the time. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 3.1/10. I wasn’t entirely sure why Night of Blood ended up on my horror watch list. Then I saw Corey Taylor was in the cast, and suddenly the mystery was solved. Apparently, my brain saw “Corey Taylor” and “horror” in the same sentence and decided this was worth investigating. Unfortunately, the investigation uncovered more of a crime scene than a good movie.

The film starts off in a diner, where a waitress appears to be locked in a never-ending battle with a simple food order. It is an impressive level of incompetence, almost like the movie is warning us of what to expect. From there, we meet a group of people receiving mysterious invitations to participate in a cash-prize endurance challenge at the infamous Val Verde Hotel. A location known for a deadly explosion and the usual “probably haunted but definitely should not be visited” reputation.

The setup sounds promising. A group of strangers trapped overnight in a haunted hotel while competing for a briefcase full of cash? Sure, there is potential there. Unfortunately, these contestants barely make it through introductions before immediately hating each other. Forget supernatural threats. The real horror is having to spend a night locked in a building with people you met five minutes ago and already want to leave behind.

Instead of a traditional masked killer stalking the group, Night of Blood goes for supernatural hauntings and immersive scares. The film shows most of the interesting moments off camera, leaving us to watch the aftermath. The movie repeatedly hints at better scenes than what we get to see.

The kills are nothing special. The “killer” element is about as memorable as a background extra, and the film spends an unusual amount of time treating ammonia and bleach like they are the ultimate horror movie weapons. Apparently, cleaning supplies are the real villains here. Somewhere, a hazardous materials safety inspector is having a panic attack.

There is one particular scene involving two of the female contestants that feels like the movie briefly remembers it needs to entertain the audience. Whether that was meant to add tension, attract more viewers, or simply check off a “we need something people will talk about” box is anyone’s guess.

And back to Corey Taylor. He plays Dusty, the bartender at the hotel, and the movie even makes sure we hear Slipknot playing on the radio. But outside of that, his presence feels completely unnecessary. I have no idea what music Corey Taylor contributed to this film, why he was chosen for the role, or what in the world he was thinking in accepting it?

By the end, Night of Blood leaves the door wide open for a sequel. Unfortunately, that door is probably opening into an empty room because I’m not sure anyone is rushing to spend another night at the Val Verde Hotel.

Night of Blood (2026)

https://jackmeat.com/night-of-blood-2026/

Red Rabbit Lodge (2026) | It's not a terrible watch if you're just looking for some old-school slasher comfort food and don't mind turning your brain off. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 4.3/10. If you ever wanted an '80s slasher that remembers all the boobs and blood but forgets to bring along a coherent story, Red Rabbit Lodge has you covered.

The movie opens with a peaceful shot of an old house before introducing a blonde woman chatting away on a corded phone. Her boyfriend is apparently on his way over, complete with a request to throw a VHS porno into the player. Between the phone, the tape, and the soundtrack, the movie practically screams, "Remember the '80s? We sure do!"

Unfortunately for her, unless her boyfriend suddenly developed a taste for masks and murder, someone else arrives first. Even after her mother warns her that there's a masked killer on the loose, she does exactly what every slasher victim is contractually obligated to do. Ignore the warning completely. It makes for a fun opening kill. And maybe the best part of the movie.

During the opening credits, we get the masked killer carefully sewing together a bloody stuffed rabbit, which is equal parts creepy and bizarre. Combined with the synth-heavy score and grainy grindhouse presentation, the film absolutely nails its retro aesthetic. If you didn't know writer/director Kevin Khachan released it in 2026, you'd probably assume someone dug up a forgotten VHS from 1986.

Then comes the obligatory "20 years later" jump.

A group of girls and a couple of guys arrive at Red Rabbit Lodge, which is supposedly a sanctuary for foreign students. Maybe it's a hostel. Or a school. Or all three. The movie never seems particularly interested in explaining why anyone is actually there, and after a while I stopped caring because the script certainly doesn't.

The movie makes extensive use of the slasher trope clichés, ticking each one off its checklist. There’s the obligatory slow-mo shower sequence, an abundance of gorgeous victims making bad choices, and all the gore effects that you would expect from a retro-style slasher movie. And credit where credit is due, it’s surprisingly well done.

Then, just when you're appreciating the practical effects, the movie suddenly throws in some cheap CGI blood splatter that sticks out like a sore thumb. It feels completely unnecessary and actually makes some of the kills less effective.

The largest issue is that nothing fits in satisfactorily. The characters are there just for the body count. The plot doesn’t even really hold together, and the mystery that is supposed to be unfolding never ends up being anything worthwhile. Too caught up in trying to recreate the atmosphere of a slasher, it fails to remember that there still needs to be a story.

By the time the finale rolls around, it ends with a shrug. No bang. The ending feels rushed, anti-climactic, and doesn't deliver the payoff Red Rabbit Lodge seemed to be setting up.

And if you somehow thought there wasn't enough gratuitous nudity already, the end credits decide to feature artistic shots of several of the actresses for...(I am shrugging). It's certainly a choice.

Red Rabbit Lodge (2026)

https://jackmeat.com/red-rabbit-lodge-2026/

Masters of the Universe (2026) | Masters of the Universe delivers the action, but at 146 minutes even Skeletor wanted someone to wrap it up. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 6.5/10. Does it really feel like nearly forty years ago when Dolph Lundgren roared his "I have the power! "? Masters of the Universe is back on the big screen at last. It's good to see that this movie realizes that it is based upon action figures who kick the crap out of each other. Not some reimagining nonsense.

We start with Prince Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) narrating what feels like the entire history of Eternia. Don't get me wrong, it looks fantastic. Castle Grayskull. The sweeping landscapes. The flashy special effects. It's all very pretty. But by the time Adam finished explaining his family tree, I was ready for Skeletor to interrupt just so something would actually happen.

Eventually we get to young Adam, his journey begins, and thankfully the movie wakes up.

One thing I immediately noticed was the runtime. 146 minutes. That is quite an ask for He-Man swinging his magic sword around and whacking bad guys. The pace matters a lot, and even though the action does not disappoint at all, some of the talking scenes border on breaking the world record for "Most talking before anything happens."

Thankfully, the fight scenes are excellent. Great choreography, slick camerawork, and some impressive visual effects make every battle feel big-budget fantasy epic worthy.

Jared Leto's Skeletor is easily one of the biggest wins. Instead of trying to modernise him into some generic dark wizard, they actually made him look like…Skeletor. You know, the blue guy with the skull for a face we've all known since we were kids. Funny how respecting the source material actually works.

Then comes one of the film's better moments. Prince Adam bumps into Dolph Lundgren. I was smiling about that tiny cameo. That is the type of fan service that just feels right. I wish that they would have used it more. Director Travis Knight knows that nostalgia works best when you don't beat people over the head with it.

Idris Elba is fantastic as Duncan. Casting him was the right choice, and watching him stumble around playing the slightly drunken mentor was way more entertaining than I expected. Every scene he's in gets an instant boost.

And there's Fisto. Yes, they actually have Fisto. Now look, I'm a grown adult. Every time someone mentioned "Fisto!" while he "fists" every bad guy in sight never stopped being funny. Whoever decided to keep a straight face through those scenes deserves an Oscar.

Not everything works.

Some of the quieter scenes drag on forever, especially whenever He-Man starts giving speeches. One motivational speech before an escape honestly felt longer than the escape itself. I was expecting Skeletor to wander in halfway through and tell him to hurry the hell up because evil has a schedule to keep.

Battle Cat eventually makes an appearance, and thankfully they didn't forget one of the franchise's coolest characters. Another nice little reward for fans.

Then we jump ahead six months. Apparently rebuilding an entire kingdom destroyed by war only takes half a year in Eternia. Meanwhile I'm still waiting for the council to fix the potholes down my street.

Makes perfect sense.

Although it has some issues, Masters of the Universe turns out to be an actually entertaining movie. The action in it is consistently entertaining, the jokes are on target much more often than not, and Travis Knight has found a good way to balance his respect for cartoons with a cinematic approach.

Masters of the Universe (2026)

And yes, because Hollywood physically cannot help itself, there's a mid-credits sequel tease.

Would I watch the next one? Yep. Just maybe shave thirty minutes off it first.

https://jackmeat.com/masters-of-the-universe-2026/

The Amityville Horror (1979) | A classic that's worth revisiting for its atmosphere, performances and place in horror history, just don't expect outright terror. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 6.5/10. After suffering through the last six absolutely abysmal Amityville movies, I figured I'd earned the right to finally go back and watch the original, The Amityville Horror. Somehow I'd never reviewed it either, so two birds, one haunted house.

It's also kind of fascinating to see if a movie that's nearly 50 years old can still get under your skin.

George Lutz (James Brolin) and Kathy Lutz (Margot Kidder) buy their dream home on Long Island despite one unfortunate selling point. The previous owners were all murdered there. Minor detail. They move in with Kathy's children, and before the boxes are even unpacked, Father Delaney (Rod Steiger) drops by to bless the house...only to get attacked by an army of flies and told to "Get Out." Buddy, he was literally trying to help.

From there, the film slowly counts down the nights as the supernatural activity ramps up. George gets grumpier by the day. Kathy starts digging into the house's history. Young Amy chats away with an invisible friend that's probably not imaginary. And everyone becomes increasingly isolated while the house does its best impression of the world's worst Airbnb.

Right from the opening credits, the eerie score does a great job of setting the mood. The camera lingers on the infamous house while lightning flashes to show the windows, and in the background, gunshots can be heard. You immediately know this place comes with more baggage than Spirit airlines.

One thing that still works is making the little things feel believable. Doors opening, strange noises, cold spots, swarms of flies. It's all fairly restrained, which actually works in its favour. Instead of throwing buckets of blood at the screen every ten minutes, it slowly chips away at the family's sanity

The performances are a bit of a mixed bag. Brolin and Kidder are both excellent and carry the film during the slow parts. Steiger, on the other hand, adopted an altogether different style and wastes his entire screen time overacting. The remaining actors are melodramatic to an extent, but that suits the period well.

I did enjoy each chapter being marked by another night passing until we make it to "The Last Night." It's about as subtle as plopping "Warning: Shit is about to get Real" on the screen. But it works. You know the house has finally stopped messing around.

The biggest surprise today is probably just how tame it all feels. Modern horror fans expecting walls dripping blood every five minutes or demons performing gymnastics on the ceiling will probably wonder what all the fuss was about. The finale is effective enough, since you do finally get the walls dripping blood. But still a bit tame.

I think The Amityville Horror works better as a character study than an outright horror film. Watching George get crazier by the moment was better than waiting for the next fright. What it lacks in gore and jump scares is made up for with strong performances, an unsettling atmosphere, and one of horror's more memorable musical scores.

If you haven't seen it since it first scared the life out of you in 1979, don't expect sleepless nights. Time has definitely dulled its bite. But it's still an important horror classic that helped set the standard for haunted house movies...and unfortunately also gave birth to cinema's most abused franchise names involving everything from dinosaurs to toilets.

The Amityville Horror (1979)

https://jackmeat.com/the-amityville-horror-1979/

Amityville Death Toilet (2023) | If your horror movie's best actor is the toilet, you may want to rethink a few casting decisions. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 1.4/10. I'll admit I picked this one for one reason. That title. Amityville Death Toilet is so incredibly stupid that curiosity got the better of me. At only 71 minutes, I figured even if it was terrible, it would be over before anger set in.

It starts exactly how I expected. A guy sitting on the toilet suffering through some truly awful gas before a cleaver suddenly swings out from inside the bowl and hacks him to pieces. The practical effects look like they came straight from the local Halloween shop, and before the opening credits the toilet has already expanded its arsenal to include a gun and even a plunger. I checked the runtime and realised I still had another 66 minutes of this.

Gregg G. Allin (Isaac Golub) plays a paranormal podcaster investigating the latest murders in Amityville. Thankfully, the movie at least makes it to Amityville, New York, giving it the bare minimum connection to the franchise. Unfortunately, they try passing off someone's ordinary suburban house as the famous Amityville home. Apparently, two windows next to each other is close enough.

The soundtrack constantly acts like something exciting is happening, blasting dramatic action music over random establishing shots. It reminded me a lot of Amityville Karen, where everyone seemed to be improvising dialogue instead of following a script. Gregg himself isn't much better, wandering around with what is supposed to be a healing crystal but looks more like one of those souvenir glass paperweights you'd buy at a truck stop. (No trailer online - check the entire movie below if you are mad at yourself)

Director Evan Jacobs casts himself as Sebastian, the house's caretaker, and the production only gets sillier from there. Plastic body parts bounce around the floor. Endless fart noises fill the soundtrack. Birds and fish suddenly appear thanks to bargain-bin visual effects. And the classic "pause the camera and move the actor" trick gets a serious workout. About the only joke that I actually laughed at was Gregg proudly announcing, "I'm up to 199 followers."

The finale somehow manages to become even more ridiculous than all the crap before it. I still have no idea what the guy in the monkey mask was doing, but by then I'd stopped looking for answers. Except, I wonder if they paid their kids to hold their palms to their faces and contribute to the sound mix with those farting noises.

There's a fine line between making a movie that's intentionally ridiculous and one that's simply incompetent. Amityville Death Toilet occasionally stumbles into "so bad it's funny" territory, but almost all the laughs come from laughing AT the movie rather than WITH it. Trust me, there are far better horror-comedy options to stream. If you're looking to watch a killer toilet wave around weapons for just over an hour, then congratulations, you've found your masterpiece.

Amityville Death Toilet (2023)

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-death-toilet-2023/

Amityville Cop (2021) | Cinema Epoch and Amityville together should've been my warning, but I pressed play anyway because apparently I enjoy suffering. #jackmeatsflix

My quick rating - 2.9/10. Oh no...Cinema Epoch. Seeing that logo pop up scares me almost as much as The Asylum. I went from "this might be fun" to "what level of #turkey will this be?" Still, I had a tiny bit of hope. An Amityville-flavoured Maniac Cop knock-off? That has potential. Amityville Cop is only 68 minutes, how much damage could it really do?

The movie opens with some suspiciously familiar-looking city skyline drone footage that screams "stock footage subscription," before introducing a couple saying goodbye. They seal it with a kiss, he drives off...and immediately gets pulled over by a creepy demonic cop. Let's just say he didn't get out of the ticket. He got removed from the human population count.

Right from the start, Officer Miller (Jason Toler) is the best thing in the movie. The bar is very low. He casually explains an arrest involving a broken table with such deadpan seriousness that I honestly wondered if I'd already reached the film's comedic peak. Turns out...I probably had.

The plot never bothers explaining why this demonic cop exists. He just wanders around murdering people because...he was sorta wronged by his partner? It's very vague. Sometimes less is more. Unfortunately, the kills are almost all hidden by awkward editing or happen off-screen, so even that novelty wears thin pretty quickly.

The script is wonderfully ridiculous without meaning to be. At one point it's apparently perfectly normal for someone to have a rocket launcher sitting at their desk inside the local police station. You know...standard police equipment.

What annoyed me was the filmmakers seemed convinced they were making a serious horror film. The wisecracking killer cop occasionally injects some accidental laughs, but everyone else treats the material like it's deadly serious. Focusing on the absurdity could have made this a fun little B-movie.

And then there's the Amityville connection...or rather, the complete lack of one. Aside from borrowing the name for marketing purposes, nothing here remotely resembles anything associated with Amityville mythology. You could rename this Demon Cop and absolutely nothing would change.

Ironically, there is one fun bit of trivia. Laurene Landon appears here as a satanic cult leader and also starred in the first two Maniac Cop films. That's probably the closest this movie ever comes to earning a comparison. Sadly, instead of capturing any of that trilogy's cheesy fun, this feels like an incredibly watered-down rip-off.

Most of the runtime consists of painfully stiff conversations inside what appears to be someone's empty house doubling as a police station, interrupted by more stock drone footage and bloodless kill scenes. It quickly becomes repetitive and surprisingly dull for something involving a supernatural killer cop.

I've certainly seen worse Amityville cash-grabs over the years, but this comfortably sits in the same entertainment bracket as Amityvillenado. Another movie you watch more because the title amuses you than because the film itself does.

By the time the credits rolled, I disconnected this one from my movie library almost as quickly as the Demon Cop disconnects people from life.

Amityville Cop (2021)

Would I recommend Amityville Cop? Only if you're trying to complete the endless Amityville collection or enjoy watching low-budget horror oddities for the unintentional comedy. If you're actually hoping for a supernatural Maniac Cop-style horror film, this one never comes close to delivering.

https://jackmeat.com/amityville-cop-2021/